Snow Regrets Read online

  He shrugged, but his fingers started stroking mine again. “Thanks. I think I was mostly going on autopilot. I put my sheets and stuff in the back of my car so I could sleep in there. I should probably be grateful they didn’t buy an expensive sports car. Having a bigger sedan made it easier to hold everything.”

  That was one bright side. “You did a great job.”

  But what had his father heard?

  “Joseph?”

  He sighed like he knew what I was going to ask. “Yes?”

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I want you to know that right away. I will always respect your privacy if that’s what you want. But I’d like to know what kind of video you were watching. I’d like to be able to understand what made him react like that.” He didn’t respond to the request. The silence just made me feel worse about asking.

  When he just continued to sit there, I hugged him tight again. “I promised you nothing will change and I meant that.”

  If I thought keeping it in would be good for him I’d have just dropped it, but I could almost see the silence festering away at his soul. He needed to get it out.

  Finally Joseph let out a long breath. It was filled with such strong emotion I didn’t know what to do but hold him tight. “The guys in the video were a committed couple.”

  Was that supposed to make it better or worse?

  “A lot of couples do porn together, especially if they’re already exploring things that are outside the box for the mainstream.” I’d never had any desire to have sex in front of a camera, but I’d met a lot of different people over the years, so I could understand why people did it.

  “One guy was younger and his partner was older.” His voice was still steady, but he’d started to shake again. “The older partner was the Dom, but he was also…he was the younger guy’s…I mean…”

  Suddenly the blanks were filled in.

  “The older guy was the boy’s Daddy. They were in an age play relationship?” It could have just been some simple role-playing but somehow that just didn’t feel right.

  The way he froze said I’d hit the nail on the head. When he started to shake even more, I knew he was waiting for me to lose my shit too. “Baby, there are a lot of couples out there that are into that. I don’t know why he got so upset, but I know several people who’ve been in that kind of relationship.”

  Myself included.

  But was now the time to tell him that?

  Chapter 6

  Joseph

  It felt like the room was circling around me and his touch was the only thing keeping me grounded to the spot.

  Did he really get it?

  How was he so calm?

  Forest’s arms squeezed me again. “What did he say specifically? Why did he get so angry? Was it just because it was kinky?”

  Forcing the air out of my lungs was getting harder. I had to take a second to drag the air in and out. I might not be able to stop the shaking, but I wasn’t going to pass out from lack of oxygen. That would just look pathetic.

  “I…he…” When I paused, Forest hugged me again.

  “Take your time. It’s okay.”

  I wasn’t sure it’d ever be okay, but it was time to get it out.

  “He said he wouldn’t have a pervert who was fantasizing about his own father in his house.” I could still hear the angry words through the door.

  They played over and over in my nightmares.

  “Were you?” Forest’s tone was too calm, too curious for me to understand what he was asking. He must have realized that because he rephrased it. “Baby, were you thinking about him as your Daddy in the fantasy?”

  “No.” But that hadn’t mattered.

  “Okay, we’re just going to get this out right away. I’ve met people who were in incestuous relationships or who had fantasies. It’s more common than people want to admit. So even if that had been the case, I wouldn’t be shocked.” He took a long breath and his fingers started caressing mine. I should have found the will to pull away, but it felt too good to be held.

  “But age play, scenes like that, or even just situations where the younger guy refers to his partner as Daddy, don’t have anything to do with real family members. It’s a way of giving someone who cares for you control. There’s nothing about incest with it.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

  It was innocent and sweet, but it was almost too much. “It’s just a different way for a Dom to take care of a sub.”

  I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. Hearing someone else say the words I’d tried to tell myself over and over was just more than my emotions could contain. I could feel my body shaking, but I couldn’t stop it.

  I tried to pull away—escaping the emotion was my only thought—but Forest wouldn’t let me go.

  “No, deep breath. Breathe first.” As tears spilled down my cheeks and onto his shirt, his hug turned almost bone-crushing. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Baby, I’m so sorry.”

  The tenderness in his voice was my undoing.

  I didn’t remember the exact moment when the quiet tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs, but somewhere in the middle of his apology, I broke.

  Time didn’t have any meaning as I cried and shook until there was nothing left. I felt like an empty shell of a person that would blow away any moment. When the tears finally eased and I was fighting to even out my breathing and stop the ragged gasps that made me sound like a kid who’d lost all control, he cupped my cheek and forced me to look up.

  “He was wrong. People explore all kinds of different fantasies. Hell, teenage boys especially explore all kinds of weird shit.” He gave me a teasing smile. “You should hear some of the stories ER docs have about the strange things people have done to themselves trying to explore different fantasies. But that still doesn’t make it wrong. Some people need to just think things through a bit more.”

  I’d seen enough weird stories online to get what he was hinting at and I couldn’t help chuckling. I probably looked a bit hysterical, but for some reason the look on his face was funny.

  He hugged me again and the hand cupping my face stroked my jaw softly. “Brains are weird and we have no idea why things turn some people on and not others. We don’t have any idea why some people are drawn to things like age play and others can’t relate to it at all.”

  He gave me a tender smile and ran his hand over my head. “But that’s the amazing part about being human. We each have such unique experiences and get to explore the world in our own ways.”

  Nodding, maybe because it hit me in some way or maybe just because I wanted to believe it, I curled back into him. He’d made it clear he didn’t want me to move away, so I was going to enjoy being held as long as I could get away with it. Eventually he’d realize it was weird, but I hadn’t felt so at peace in a long time.

  Forest shifted me on his lap and leaned back, pulling me even closer to him. “There is no right or wrong way to have a relationship with someone as long as everything is consensual and it’s healthy. We all go through phases where we’re trying to figure out how we see the world and how we see our sex life. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so I just nodded. The logical part of me said he was right, but nothing inside me felt logical. It was like a tornado had picked up all my emotions and rattled them into tiny pieces, scattering them all over the mountain.

  Forest gave a dry chuckle. “Don’t just agree with me to make me stop lecturing.”

  I grinned. “It was a lesson I learned early. You’d still be arguing with me about the Jedi if I hadn’t.”

  His chest jerked up and down as he laughed, hugging me again. “Little brat. But I’m serious. There is nothing wrong with exploring things you find interesting. Hell, should I feel bad about asking my roommate questions in college? I apologized about walking in on them, but should I have just ignored how it made me feel because it was wrong?”
r />   I shook my head. “It’s not the same thing.”

  “Yes, it is.” He was quiet as his hand stroked up and down my back.

  After a few moments he started again; his words were softer and I could hear something like worry in his voice. “It took a long time for me to find people to talk to about BDSM and to learn how many different ways there were to explore domination and submission.”

  He took a long breath and his arms tightened before going back to stroking me. “Do you remember the guy I told you about? The one I was dating when you were young?”

  “Yeah.” The guy who was in the closet.

  “We met on a kink website. We both wanted to explore BDSM but didn’t know quite what we were looking for. As our relationship deepened, we tried different things.” There was another pause that made his unease clear. Knowing it was hard for him to open up made me feel less insane.

  “What worked best for us was a combination of puppy play and age play. Ultimately, we went our separate ways, but I found that I liked having a partner to take care of.” He was quiet for several long moments before what he’d said really hit me.

  He’d been a Daddy.

  Shit.

  Okay, I wasn’t sure why panic was my first reaction, but I had to force myself not to run away like an idiot. He’d just opened up to me and I wasn’t going to make him feel like he’d done something wrong. We were grown-ass adults and I just needed to remember that.

  Thinking about what to say had my head whirling.

  I let myself relax back into him and took a long breath. He’d reacted too calmly for it to have been completely unknown to him, so I wasn’t sure why I was surprised. As for the tiny flare that felt almost like jealousy, which it couldn’t have been, I just had to remember he’d been an adult when we’d first met. Expecting him to be some kind of kink virgin was stupid.

  Not that it was my business to begin with.

  He’d only shared to make me feel less alone. I appreciated it, but I wasn’t going to overreact. “I’m glad you had someone to figure things out with. It’s hard to do that on your own.”

  Ha, sounded like a real adult.

  He ran his hand up my back and started stroking my neck. “Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but after you left, did you find anyone to explore that part of yourself with?”

  I had to smile. “I think that ship has already sailed. Might as well overshare.”

  I sighed, wishing I had a good story to tell. Unfortunately, I just sounded pathetic. “No, for a while I lived out of my car, so it wasn’t like I could invite someone home. I dated a bit, but it never felt right to share that part of my…I don’t know, I guess my imagination with them.”

  Going home with someone to fool around a bit was one thing, but asking them to take care of me or spank me was another.

  That was more personal than trading blow jobs.

  “By the time I got an apartment and my life together, it was just something I stuck on the back burner. Who has time to look for a Daddy when they’re working two jobs and barely making ends meet?” It didn’t feel like I’d given anything up or that I’d missed out on something.

  There were just more important things I’d needed to focus on. My regular job covered most things, but paying off the lawyer and making sure I had enough to go back to court at some point had me working nights as a driver through one of the apps. It was boring, but keeping the cabin was more important than some fantasy Daddy.

  “I think you’ve done a great job at making a life for yourself, and I wouldn’t worry about rushing into anything. You have a lifetime to figure that part out.” He gave a low chuckle. “Now if you were ancient like me, I’d give you different advice.”

  I had to bite back my first response because that didn’t seem like the moment to tell him he was hot.

  “Yeah, when I’m old like you then I’ll worry about dying before I find a Dom.” I grinned as he groaned.

  “Oh, that hurts.” I felt him kiss my head again as he chuckled. “So mean to me when I made you brownies and even played your favorite movie.”

  I snorted. “You bribed me down here, old man.”

  His chest jerked up and down again in silent laughter. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I wanted dessert.”

  “Sure…you were so hungry for brownies that you only ate one.” I giggled as his fingers dug into my side, making me squirm.

  “Someone ate the rest of the brownies. A greedy boy who didn’t want to share.” He meant it to be teasing and funny, but it sent a thrill through me that I knew was wrong.

  “When you bribe someone, you have to be willing to pay the cost.” It wasn’t what my brain had wanted to say, but then it’d proven just as unreliable as my cock when it came to making decisions about things related to Daddies and BDSM.

  “I’ll remember that next time I think about bribing you.” The teasing laughter in his voice made me smile even wider.

  “Shouldn’t that remind you not to bribe me again?”

  “Of course not.” He snorted. “I’m just going to double the batch next time.”

  Forest said it so logically I wasn’t sure if he was serious or just teasing, and somehow that just made it funnier. “You were probably a very overindulgent Daddy.”

  Forest laughed. “There is no such thing. Littles are meant to be cuddled and spoiled and spanked when they want Daddy to take control.”

  That took a turn I hadn’t expected.

  Blushing, I kept my head tucked against him so I didn’t have to see his response, but I forced my question out anyway. “Do a lot of littles like that?”

  He seemed to get what I was asking without my having to elaborate more. “Spankings? It depends on the person, but yeah, in my experience it’s common. Everyone’s different, but a lot of subs I’ve spoken with said there’s just something about bending over their Dom’s lap. One guy I was talking to online ages ago said that every time his Daddy spanked him it was like they were reconnecting.”

  I didn’t have a response that sounded logical or grown up, so I just nodded and hoped he’d continue.

  Thankfully, Forest seemed to understand. “For me, I love knowing that I’m giving my partner what they need. And when it’s with someone I have a relationship with, it’s almost like I’m claiming them.” He chuckled. “My Dom side can be a bit of a caveman, I guess.”

  It was the conversation I’d always wanted to have with someone…but not the man I’d ever imagined having it with. When I was young it’d been pretty easy for me to figure out I was gay. It also hadn’t taken rocket science to figure out Forest was sexy even if he was a lot older than me.

  On some level knowing him for so long made it easier, but it also made it stranger.

  This was Forest.

  It wasn’t some random guy who I’d clicked with. He’d known me since I was a shy dork who couldn’t talk to strangers. Talking about my sex life with someone who’d known me that long was probably weird.

  “I shouldn’t ask if you’ve been spanked.” He chuckled when I groaned. “That would be prying. So I’m going to ask if you’ve thought about finding a Daddy or dipping your toes in and meeting people in the lifestyle where you live.”

  That wasn’t much easier, but at least it wasn’t asking about my personal feelings regarding bending over a Dom’s lap. “Um, I’ve thought about it some…but honestly, the idea of meeting people in person is overwhelming. But there are a few I talk to online.”

  I knew a few people online who I could probably call friends. They were scattered in different places, but a few were fairly close. One guy was even at a college about an hour from where I lived. He was a bit odd sometimes but not off his rocker odd, just the regular kind.

  “I can understand that, but what about meeting some subs in your area? They’d have things in common with you and you wouldn’t have the pressure of a potential relationship.” The tone of his voice was cajoling and tender…but I could hear the stubbornness settin
g in.

  “You’re not going to let this go, are you?” I sighed when he chuckled.

  “Nope.”

  “Fine.” He was too bullheaded to argue with. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Just think about it?”

  “Lord.” I rolled my eyes when he huffed. “I’ll talk more to the people I know and actually see about meeting the ones who live close.”

  “In public for the first few times. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “You’re going to drive me crazy about this, aren’t you?”

  “Of course, you need someone to make sure you have some fun and will get out of your comfort zone.” He was damned cheerful for someone who was admitting they were going to boss me around. “You’ve done so much on your own, but it’s clear that you need a push when it comes to some things. And I happen to be a world expert at pushing.”

  Laughing, I nodded and closed my eyes, just enjoying the moment. “I feel like I’m supposed to say thanks, but I have a feeling I’m going to be cursing you in a few weeks when you start pestering me.”

  Forest scoffed. “No cursing.”

  Since when did he get to make rules?

  But since bringing that up would probably mean having to admit that I kind of liked it…maybe I wouldn’t ask.

  “Everyone curses.”

  Poking at him was perfectly acceptable too.

  “Not littles.” There was such conviction in his tone I had to grin.

  “Why not?” He was so funny.

  He huffed and I could feel him shaking his head like it was a ridiculous question. “Because I said so.”

  “Who put you in charge?” That might have been pushing the line of what was fun teasing and what might be more personal than he was comfortable with, but I couldn’t help it. He’d always made me feel safe, and while some things had changed, that hadn’t.

  He was Forest.

  He listened and laughed, making me feel like he genuinely liked me.

  “I think I took that task on myself.” He ran his hand over my head and I could hear the smile in his voice. “It’ll give you a tiny taste of what it might be like to have a Daddy.”