Snow Regrets Page 7

  This was Forest.

  “That sounds like fun.” And it did…even if the tone of my voice probably had him questioning my sincerity.

  I’d pushed away so many thoughts about what I wanted over the past few years that I wasn’t sure who my little side was any longer, but I wanted to get to know him again. Before everything had fallen apart, I’d had a list of things I was curious about.

  And some of it hadn’t even been sexual.

  I know, the hormonal eternally aroused gremlin that lived inside teenage boys had been just as surprised as the rest of me.

  For a long time after my life had exploded, the idea of being little and having a Daddy had a taint to it that I couldn’t ignore. It had been easier to push away the desire than deal with my emotions. Maybe it had just been time or maybe it was Forest, but the old scars seemed to be fading.

  Leaning close, because cuddling made everything better, I rested my head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. “What else looks like it might be fun?”

  I wasn’t ready to go digging in and declaring toys perfect for my little side yet, but if Forest was willing to give me a push, I’d try. I’d let my father take away something I loved just because of his own fears.

  Whatever the hell they were.

  Because really, in this day and age, who thought Daddy and father were the same thing?

  Not wanting thoughts of him to ruin the mood, I mentally cleared my head and focused on Forest. Everything was easier when I just let him take the lead. Was that a copout or just part of being submissive?

  I wasn’t so naïve I’d missed the obvious, but accepting that part hadn’t been an easy road either.

  I’d always gotten lectures about how to be more assertive and aggressive and what people would think if I didn’t stand up for myself more. It was still so easy to hear the words rattling around in my head, but I wasn’t going to let them win any longer.

  “Part of me wants to just dive in and find things that would be fun. It feels stupid to admit that I need help, though. I just don’t know how…” Hell, I didn’t know how to do anything, but I wanted to learn.

  “I would be glad to help.” He pressed a kiss to my head. “Remember, Daddy here. I like helping. It’s kind of programmed into me at this point. In fact, I’m pretty sure at some point my hovering will drive you insane.”

  Even with all the crazy going through me, that made me laugh. “I’ll let you know when we hit that point, but I’m pretty sure it will take a while before we get there.”

  “Good.” He shifted his hand to wrap around me and hug me closer. “I need to know when I’ve done something that frustrates you. The trust goes both ways in this kind of relationship.”

  I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship we had at the moment, but I wasn’t ready to question it. For now, I had a kind-of-Daddy and I was just going to relax and go with the flow. If I had to remind myself of that over and over, that was what I’d do.

  “Deal.” I smiled as he kissed my head again. That was clearly one of his favorite ways to show affection. It made me feel warm and almost snuggly inside, so I had no intention of telling him to stop.

  Would asking him to kiss my head more sound weird?

  Probably.

  “Okay, you hold the sheets for me and I’m going to keep digging. I think I see a few things at the back.” I could see him giving the closet a skeptical look as I straightened and took the fabric from him. This closet seemed to be where everything went to die because it was filled with odd things from the rest of the cabin.

  Actually, it was all the stuff that they probably felt they had to keep but wasn’t pretty enough for company…a bit like me when I was younger. Eventually it’d get tossed out too. But Forest was going to have fun with it while we were there, though.

  He was grinning ear-to-ear as he pulled out a matching blanket. “This will be fun for the fort or for watching cartoons with.”

  Setting that aside, he dug back in and came up with a box of sand toys that didn’t seem to belong at a mountain cabin and a large bag of oversized blocks that snapped together. They were kind of like Legos, but a lot bigger. “These will be fun.”

  That seemed to be the end of the treasures in the main closet, so Forest set his finds on the spare bed and went over to the small closet tucked into the eaves. “Jackpot.”

  He was so excited I had to smile. “Look at all this.”

  A box of random toys and a set of kids’ dishes wasn’t exactly what I’d call a jackpot, but I had to admit there was a small part of me that wanted to reach in and dig through it. As he pulled the cardboard container out, I just said “fuck it” to myself and reached for the plastic dinosaur that was at the top of the pile. “This is cool.”

  Cody would love it. He had a thing for dinosaurs and some days that was all he talked about online.

  “Look at this one.” Forest beamed as he pulled out a Transformer. “There are even some movies at the bottom of the box.”

  Okay, maybe he had hit the jackpot.

  “Let’s get the little bed set up and then we’ll take the toys downstairs.” Following his plan seemed easiest for a lot of reasons, so I nodded.

  Forest was in full Daddy mode as he stood and started rearranging things. He was so cute. He could see everything so clearly in his head that he just charged right in. Pushing the unused queen bed against the wall, he pulled out the twin mattress and laid it on top.

  When he found the guard rail tucked behind the mattress, I had to chuckle. No one threw anything out. But I wasn’t going to complain since it was making Forest so pleased. “It’s not a real baby bed, but it’s going to be close.”

  That made it sound like he thought my having a crib or something like a toddler bed would have been ideal, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Luckily, he was so excited that it didn’t seem to matter.

  He let me help put the sheets on the bed before he pushed the bedrail around the edge of the mattress. He was right, it wasn’t perfect, but it was cute. Forest ran his hand over the mattress as he stood. He looked like he was the world’s best Daddy and just needed the mug to prove it. “There we go.”

  “It’s great.” Forest must not have completely believed me, because he stepped close and wrapped me in a hug.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  I wasn’t sure if this was a Daddy thing or a Dom thing or just a Forest thing, but I really didn’t care. Resting my head against his shoulder, I shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s cute and part of me is really excited to try it out.”

  “But there’s another part that’s what…a bit shy about it or maybe it’s telling you that you shouldn’t want to try it?” His lips pressed against the side of my head near my temple. “You’ve had a lot of changes and emotions in a short time. It’s okay to be confused.”

  “I don’t want to be confused.” I huffed, ignoring how whiny it sounded. “I wasn’t confused before. I wasn’t ready to advertise it or go shouting from the rooftops that I was jerking off to porn where one guy was in a diaper and the other was changing him, but—”

  Shit.

  Hadn’t meant to say that part out loud.

  “Um, just ignore that. I think I’m more tired than I thought I was.” My face was so hot it was painful, but when I tried to pull away and look somewhere else…anywhere else…Forest tightened his hold on me.

  “Nope. Not going anywhere until we talk about that unless you safeword.”

  I sighed. “But I don’t have one yet.”

  “Red stops everything for now and yellow for pause and regroup.” He seemed to respond without even thinking about it, but then he paused, kissed my head again and took a breath. “Now, you already told me the basics about what happened before, so there is no need to be embarrassed. Remember, we were going to get it all out in the open tomorrow, so this just gets part of the conversation out a bit early.”

  I wanted to respond like a real grown-up, but what actually came out was a slightly pouty
groan.

  That seemed to please Forest for some reason because he chuckled. “You are so cute.”

  I wasn’t sure that was a good thing, but I’d take cute over ridiculous.

  “How about we pretend the last thirty seconds or so didn’t happen.” That way I could at least try to look somewhat functional about the whole thing.

  “Nope.” Forest seemed very cheerful as he threw a wrench in my plan. “I love knowing what’s going through your head and what your fantasies are.”

  “Is that a Daddy thing or just a Forest thing?” Might as well get more stupid things out into the open as long as he found it cute.

  He seemed to take the question seriously because he paused for several long seconds. “Probably both. I’ve always liked knowing what was going through my partners’ heads and when it’s someone that I have a deeper connection with, it’s even more important to me.”

  “Deeper connection?”

  Forest kissed my head again. “Dating is one type of relationship, but when it’s also mixed with domination and submission or something like age play, it creates more levels.”

  His hold loosened and one hand started stroking up and down my back. “When you add BDSM or lifestyle things to friendship or any kind of relationship, it makes it…richer…more honest.”

  “Why is honesty embarrassing?”

  He chuckled again. “Because we’re not used to it. We’re used to being told to keep anything outside what people consider to be the norm quiet. It takes a while to get used to the norm being open and honest communication and accepting who we are without reservations.”

  I wasn’t sure that would ever describe me…but it seemed to describe Forest perfectly.

  Maybe I could soak up some of his confidence and self-acceptance through osmosis or something. Could confidence spread like a virus?

  One good sneeze from Forest and I’d be set.

  “What do I do in the meantime until I catch some of your acceptance?” I had to smile when he laughed again.

  “You just count on me. No matter what you tell me, I’m not going to think it’s silly or weird or stupid or anything else your brain is telling you. We’ll talk about it and we’ll figure out what you like about it or what you’re curious about.”

  That sounded…painfully embarrassing.

  But the tone in his voice said while he was going to be sweet about it…he wasn’t going to budge.

  Hopefully my heart could take his stubbornness.

  “Okay.” If it came out whiny, I was going to just accept it. I wasn’t feeling very grown-up at the moment, so worrying about it wasn’t that important.

  Forest hugged me tighter and kissed my head again. He didn’t mind if I was pouting and confused. He seemed to like it, actually.

  “Come on. We’re going to take this stuff downstairs and see if any of these DVDs still work. I’m not sure there’s any hope of finding a VCR for those tapes, though.” His frustration at not being able to find an ancient piece of technology was cute.

  “I’m not sure we’ve ever owned one of those.” I probably shouldn’t tell him the only place I’d seen one was in the thrift store for a buck.

  “I’m starting to think you’re trying to delicately point out how old I am.” He huffed. “See if that gets you any more brownies.”

  Giggling, I pulled back and gave him a pout. It wasn’t quite the shy apology I was going for, but it was a good try. “I’m sorry.”

  I couldn’t decide if I should add “Daddy” to the end or not, but he didn’t seem to mind. Grinning, Forest hugged me again before relaxing his hold.

  “Naughty boy. Don’t try to manipulate me.”

  Blinking wide-eyed at him, I shook my head. “Of course not.”

  That just made his smile wider and he kissed my forehead. “Come on.”

  It might not have gotten me brownies, but I’d gotten more cuddly hugs and another kiss, so I thought I’d come out pretty well. Nodding, I tried to look sincere. “Okay.”

  Sir?

  Daddy?

  What should I call him?

  He wasn’t just Forest anymore. Sure, he was letting me explore what it might mean to have a Daddy, but how much exploration was a good idea? Would calling him Daddy now make things weird when it was over?

  Well, it was going to be weird when it was over, but he’d already made it clear that he wasn’t going to let me wiggle away embarrassed. He’d kind of made it sound like I was stuck with his friendship no matter what.

  He’d already referred to himself as a Daddy several times. He’d also made sure I understood that he didn’t have a problem taking control and being Daddy while I was exploring the lifestyle. That should mean I could call him whatever I felt comfortable with.

  What did I feel comfortable with?

  “You’re looking at me very oddly.” He was trying not to smile, but he didn’t hide it very well. “What’s going through your mind?”

  “Just an FYI. I’m going to be embarrassed about this, but this time if it goes weird we’re actually going to pretend we didn’t talk about it. Deal?” I wasn’t going to budge on that one. Sex fantasies were one thing, but calling him Daddy was personal.

  “Deal.” Forest kissed my head then ran his hand over it. “So what were you debating?”

  Sighing, I shrugged and stepped closer so I could snuggle against him. If I was going to feel stupid, I might as well get some cuddles out of it because he was a damned good cuddler. He made me feel safe and never let it get weird or sexual.

  “What to call you.” He must not have been expecting that one because he stilled for a split second before relaxing again.

  “Ahh.” He hugged me again and started stroking my back. “What did you decide?”

  “Well, in a purely hypothetical situation I kind of like Daddy, but only if that wouldn’t be weird later. I know you’re kind of taking that role for a while, but that doesn’t mean the word is right or that we won’t regret—” I was rambling, trying to find the words, when Forest’s finger moved to cover my lips.

  “No.” He tilted my head up until I was staring into his serious face. “No matter how long you call me Daddy…a day…a week…however it works out, I will never regret it. And I don’t want you to either.”

  It felt like there was a band tied around my chest making it hard to breathe. All I could do was nod and fight to sort through the emotions and sensations running through me. “I won’t.”

  I’d regret a lot of things after we went back to being just friends…but calling him Daddy would never be one of them. “I won’t, Daddy.”

  The look on his face was worth all the worry and possible embarrassment. He looked…touched. I wasn’t sure if I mattered to him or if it was just the title, but something about it seemed to hit him deep inside. “I’m glad.”

  He took a moment and ran a hand over my head again. “Thank you for trusting me.”

  How could I not?

  He was Forest.

  “Thank you for being honest with me about your life and helping me figure all this out.” He hadn’t needed to be that honest with me to help and we both knew it. He could’ve kept his distance and just explained things without letting me have a meltdown all over him. Forest had chosen to open himself up to help me and I wasn’t going to forget that.

  “I will always be there for you.” He smiled tenderly as his finger stroked down my cheek.

  For just a split second I let myself give in to the fantasy that he was more than just a friend who was a Daddy. Pushing the misplaced fantasy aside, I smiled. “Don’t forget to bring brownies when you come riding in on your white steed.”

  Forest chuckled. “You and your brownies. I may have created a monster.”

  “Probably.” No lying about that.

  Forest’s grin said he was more than willing to give in to the monster he’d created, though. “Downstairs, monster. Let’s look at the toys and organize the movies, then bedtime for you.”

  Aww.

/>   “But it’s still early.” Kind of.

  Forest got that Daddy look that had me pulling back another whiny response. “Yes, Daddy.”

  Daddy.

  I had a Daddy…a Daddy who set bedtimes.

  What else would a Daddy do?

  Chapter 9

  Forest

  He must have been running himself ragged. Before we’d even finished sorting out the toys, he was yawning and leaning against the couch. I let it go on too long, but I was mentally debating what to do. When it was clear he had no intention of bringing up how tired he was, I knew it was time to step in.

  Grown-up Joseph had known when it was time to nap, so I could only assume he was deliberately letting me be in charge of his bedtime. “Okay, we’re going to finish this in the morning. Bedtime for you.”

  He looked up from the little transforming robot he’d been tinkering with and pouted. “But—”

  “No.” I shook my head and held my hand out for the toy. “You’re going to have plenty of time tomorrow to play.”

  Between the toys and the movie and the discussion we really needed to have, he was going to have plenty to do. But first, he needed to catch up on sleep. From what I knew of his financial situation, he must have been burning the candle at both ends to save up enough money to take this much time off.

  His cute pout said he wasn’t quite as big as he’d been when we’d come downstairs, but I wasn’t sure he’d sunk completely into his little headspace. But just the way he’d relaxed enough to start sorting through the toys and picking out things that were interesting said he was a lot closer than he might be ready to admit out loud.

  Joseph was doing his best not to hide from himself and he seemed to be making an impressive effort to tell me what he was thinking, but I wasn’t sure how much more he wasn’t sharing yet. I had to keep reminding myself that it’d only been a few hours since we’d first started to talk about it. Just because I was greedy and wanted to know everything in his head didn’t mean we hadn’t made an incredible amount of progress.